Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The dirty secrets of motherhood

Having been at this for two years now, I am definitely not an expert.  But I have learned a few things.  Secrets.  Dirty, dirty secrets that no one tells you when you are pregnant.  I don't know whether they are taboo, or what, but I'm going to share them.

1) The terrible twos don't actually start at 2.  Around here, they begin at 15 months or so.  Just FYI, so you're not caught off guard like I was.

2) You will eat previously chewed food.  I know, it's gross.  But you'll do it.  In my case, the first time was while at a holiday party at someone-important's home last year.  I was holding Z when N came up to me, chewing something.  She then spit it into her hand, as toddlers do (see item #1), and handed it to me.  I was holding a baby who, it dawned on me, had just done a big pile of stink in her diaper, in a crowded room in a fancy home, with no trash can or toilet in sight.  So what did I do, but pop that partially chewed piece of cheese into my mouth, and wipe my hand on my skirt.  Which brings me to #3.

3) You will wipe your hands on your clothes.  Even when you (see #4) ...

4) ... wipe your children's runny noses with your hands.  Yes, you will do this too.

5) And sometimes, you'll wipe your hands on your children's clothes.  You'll think, well, her jeans are already filthy and going in the wash tonight anyway.  And you'll wipe snot, or regurgitated cookie, or dirt, or whatever, on your toddler's pants.  And hope no one saw you do it.

6) You will touch poop.  A lot.  Not on purpose, hopefully, but it will happen.  And at some point you will even get used to it.

So there you have it.  The dirty secrets of motherhood.  You are welcome.


  1. Okay, so if things are terrible-two-like now, are they going to get even more terrible at two, or even out a bit? Muffin is between 14 and 15 months, running at full speed and saying "no" at every opportunity. In the last couple of weeks things have certainly become more difficult.

  2. HAHA! I have done all those things...and probably some other disgusting things not listed.

  3. Sorry to say, Stephanie, but yes, they will get worse. I think of the terrible twos kind of like labor. You keep thinking, "surely this is as bad as it gets." Except then it gets worse. It's a good thing God made two-year-olds so darn cute!

  4. You forgot to add, you will catch vomit bare handed without flinching, because it is easier and faster to wash your hands, than laundry, the floor, the rocker, the bedding, your child's favorite stuffed animal and/or blanket. If you haven't done that yet, don't worry, you will.

  5. Yeah, pretty much all of the dirty secrets to involve actual dirt of some form or another. BTDT on the vomit catch...


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